In March of 2018, I began my training to become a Certified Creatrix, sacred leader of Women’s Circles through Goddess Ceremony. During the training, each participant was given the opportunity to indulge in a private discussion with our teacher, Cassandra. It was an hour-long Skype session (before our in-person retreat) and we were given two options as to what we would like to discuss to help us move forward in our training.
The first option was to discuss our goals and the direction we would like to take once the training was complete. The second, a bit more personal, was the opportunity to discuss our past or any personal reason we may feel held back in pursuing this new career path.
This brought about some serious consideration for me. I admire Cassandra so very much, not only as a person but very much so as a businesswoman as well. I can listen to her speak for hours on end and soak up the wealth of knowledge she possesses like a sponge. I knew I would greatly benefit from her advice with moving forward in my new endeavors.
However, something was nagging at me deep inside, a feeling of uneasiness with the intention of taking off his hat and coat to stay for a while. He is the familiar and deceitful face of fear mixed with shame and guilt.
I wanted to focus on the future. I wanted to look forward and I knew I would, no matter what. However, this dark feeling had a hold on me and I knew I possessed a deep need for healing I couldn’t ignore.
I spoke with Cassandra for a long time. I cried. A lot. There were many moments I found myself unable even to speak (, an issue I later learned to involve a blockage in the throat chakra: our center for self-expression). What I felt was incredibly intense. I had been carrying such baggage for a long time. And although I was given the opportunity to release, I knew those bags would still find their way into the cab with me when I left.
I loved all that I learned. My background in psychology and as a yoga teacher allowed me to feel that leading Women’s Circles is something I could be good at and truly enjoy. But I knew my credentials as far as the scars I’ve carved and together they spelled out “Unworthy.”
I have not always been kind to other women. In fact, at times I have been cruel, careless, and reckless. I am not proud. To do so has become a behavior commonly accepted, even encouraged in society. When we are told so young that our worth is merely our physical appearance, we begin to compare ourselves to our peers. Distance comes between us as society locks us in a cage of self-doubt and self-judgement. To “love yourself” seems like a joke. No, you must be BETTER than the girl next to you or face the consequences. It becomes you or her. It becomes a fight for social survival which, let’s face it, is our world when we are young. And some never learn of sisterhood or our ancient histories to grow out of it.
Those teenage years were certainly cruel.
These habits have been ingrained in many of us, to be on the defense every time a new woman enters into our lives. It isn’t natural. It’s far from, actually. What is natural is for women to share community. Something I didn’t experience much of. Something so many of us have lost. I would imagine my self-esteem might be much different otherwise.
I didn’t respect myself. I didn’t respect my body, my sacred temple. I just kept thinking, “I hope its good enough.” Even worse, I allowed others to do the same. As if disrespecting my time wasn’t enough, I allowed equally if not more-so damaged men to convince me with their actions that I was worthless, that my body was not sacred and beautiful. I was conditioned to expect to be used and thrown away. How very wrong they were. And how beautiful and vulnerable was I.
None of these scars fade easily. All of the above mentioned haunts me, hidden in my subconscious even in my strongest moments. My anger persists at the slightest hint of an attack on me or any other woman. I feel robbed of the sisterhood that was meant for me.
I confessed my sins to Cassandra, my head held in shame. I expected a familiar distant nurturing and attempt at comfort without having any anticipation for it to penetrate and actually make a difference. It was too embedded in my heart. The wound was on a soul-level.
Unexpectedly, what she said did penetrate my mindset. Not in a comforting or condescending way but in a very real way which held that much more worth to me. She told me, if I had known the sense of community I felt robbed of, I would know that I was not alone in any of what I expressed or have experienced. And other women need to know that they too, are not alone. And I would be the woman to hold that space. I was meant to hold that space.
What we are not given, we must give life to. For we are women; The creators, the givers of life.
Cassandra was right. In the last six months I’ve spent leading circles, I have felt the most purpose in my life. I know I am making a difference. I know I am providing a safe space that many women have never experienced; to express, to share, to feel connected, and most importantly to feel accepted.
So as we enter into 2019, I ask you to consider and indulge in both options; Do not pass up the opportunity to heal. I promise you, you will feel lighter. When we are lighter, it’s easier to fly.
And sister, you will soar.
Happy New Year!
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